Relationship Bliss or Amiss?

 

I truly believe that life will never hand you more than you can handle, and whatever life hands to you, it gives it to you exactly when you need it and the trick is figuring out what exactly it is that you need out of it at that time. Good or bad there is a lesson to be learned, being self aware, or self actualized means you’re able to pull that lesson out of each experience and use it to move forward in your life and to better the relationship you have with yourself.

Relationships are a massive part of our lives, just think of all the ones you have, family, co-workers, lovers, friends, the barista at your coffee shop, and of course the most important one is the one you have with yourself. Some relationships flourish and some fail.

We’ve all been in a love relationship that wasn’t going well or that ended badly. We’ve all been in the midst of despair and a broken heart and we’ve all eventually seen incredible hindsight.

What I want to talk about is hanging onto dysfunctional relationships or the attachment to expectations of a what that relationship “is” supposed to or “was” supposed to be or “could” be. Again, another area where hanging on leads to “stuckification” which can lead to a feeling of imprisonment in you own mind and ultimately suffering.

It’s important to learn, and here we go again (seems to be a hot topic), how to let go. When you’re in the middle of that heartbreak or feeling of despair, try focusing on the relationship you have with yourself. Go back to you. Thinking that it was good once so it must be good again is probably a deep fear of change and a deeper fear of looking within to see what it is that keeps you hanging onto that suffering? And maybe if you look further you’ll see a pattern? Here is where you read all the signals and pull that lesson right out and run forward with it!

If you want to be free, you must let go.

When we were kids we were taught to play nice in the sandbox, we were taught to treat others as we would like to be treated. Good lessons indeed but who taught us how to treat ourselves? Holding onto the dysfunction or the expectations is bad for you. It’s stressful, it’s unhealthy, it’s like eating a mouthful of sand, you only did that once I’m guessing. Maybe that was just me.

If you are looking elsewhere to fill your time, space, needs and desires or always looking for that next relationship or just “a” relationship, then you’re never going to find happiness. Think about that, making it someone else’s responsibility for your happiness? That’s a lot of pressure, on them and on you, I mean how can someone else make you happy if you can’t make you happy?

Stop that and do this:

1. Learn to love yourself more. Wake up smiling, go to sleep smiling. Be grateful every moment of every day for what you already have. Look around and see the beauty in the small things, and look into the mirror every day and see the amazing person you are. Have you seen you?!
2. Put that amazing love of yours into action. Eat healthy food, REAL food. Be active. Share your time with good people. If it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it.
3. Hang out with you, have a party! Date you. Lose the dependency on others for companionship. Prepare a nice meal, play some music, sing, write, go to the movies alone, have a drink in a bar alone (I did this recently and it was the most enjoyable experience, I made two new friends!)

Doing this daily will open you up to all kinds of possibilities and believe it or not, a healthier and deeper connection with others all as a result of the one you have with you.

Have you seen you? I mean really seen you? Have a look, you’re pretty awesome, I bet you’d want to date you.

“Talking ’bout A #socialmedia Revolution. You know we all want to change the world”

I’ve been removing negative things in my life. I don’t buy magazines with all those suggestive ads and images that tell us we are supposed to be a certain way, look a certain way, dress a certain way. I haven’t had a T.V since 2008 because I couldn’t stand watching the news. I found it depressing. I believe in staying informed, so I read the newspaper online, while the same news is often in the papers I get to choose what to read and what not to read.

I’ve also done tiny experiments within my small community of social media interactions by only posting positive or helpful information or by posting negative information. What I began to notice is that there was a ripple effect. I’m not saying I started it, at times I followed it. While I was on my mission to only post positive things I would easily get pulled by some post that I liked or felt strongly about but had a negative undertone and it would stir negative feelings in me and I would share it and then what I noticed was a lot more negative things showing up in my news feed.

But when I posted happy thoughts, or helpful thoughts and articles, what followed in my feed was more helpful and positive things for me to read. I didn’t shy away from the things I felt strongly about, I just made sure what was being shared was helpful in overcoming whatever it was that was ailing me, in turn hopefully helping others.

Taking into consideration the shocking stats about social media that this incredibly impactful video lists, wouldn’t it make sense to use the most POWERFUL source with the widest reach of INFORMATION SHARING (in history) to help each other and gain more knowledge?

As much as the power of our subconscious minds has at driving our life (which is 100%) and as much as the messages and content we put into our subconscious minds with our conscious minds effects us mentally, physically and spiritually (100%) so too does what we put out on social media affect others. We must use it for good and be mindful.

Is your goal to live with no regrets and in peace? Goal accomplished.

When people are asked what a really scary thing in life would be?

The majority say regret.

Making the wrong choice creates a feeling of regret.

Think of all the choices we make in a day.

How would you like you’re coffee? Caramel Brule Latte? Vanilla Spice Frappuccino? Skinny peppermint mocha? Eggnog Lattee? Caffe Mocha? Iced Caffe Americano?

Ever had order regret?

Ever had technology regret because you didn’t realize that a brand new version of your phone was coming out just 2 weeks after you bought the old version?

That’s the problem with having too many choices, we’re always going to be afraid of making the wrong choice. (pssst….what we have doesn’t actually matter)

In actuality becuase of all the choices we have, we live in a state of regret.

Think about it.

Think some more.

That in itself is living our life on replay, a combative state of the conscious and subconscious mind, we keep skipping a beat.

We’re living in the past and the future, we are never in the now, there is no referee keeping the game fair.

What can we do?

We can defiantly eliminate the pesky past thing by being in the now, right? We cannot grab onto the past and hold it here, that is what holds us back and ties us down and stops us from moving forward, so we simply have to let it go.

The past, or the chatter that goes on in our subconscious mind will never go away, but when it comes up we can now acknowledge it, we can thank it (it taught us something, everything taught us something, we know that), and then we can send it on it’s way, let it go.

That’s some of the fear of regret gone.

We can most certainly eliminate the anxiety one gets of not knowing what will happen in the future, (and come on, really? we all know we will actually never know this, there is no way in the world that we could ever know this, it’s a completely unrealistic idea or goal to think we can know the future, so we should really stop setting unrealistic goals on ourselves while we’re at it, however, don’t get too excited… we do know that we can somewhat predict the future by seeing patterns in history remember?) anyway, we can eliminate the anxiety and the expectations we have of the (completely unknown) future by coming into the present moment. We can not keep looking to the future or only focusing on the goal, that’s what sets up expectations and we find ourselves always disappointed, like we missed a step along the way, we skipped a beat, we overlooked something, missed the on ramp, didn’t catch the wave, like we didn’t get it quite right, we missed something along the journey, so we go back and do it again, and again. That’s our subconscious mind on replay. That’s history repeating itself. That’s the internal conversations with ourselves, screaming at us to learn the lesson already so we can all move on!

We won’t get it right, the balance, the flow, riding the perfect wave, enjoying the journey, until we refocus on the present moment, on the day to day, on the steps we take to reach the goal or the future we imagine, not until we bring our goals and our aspirations into the present moment will we we enjoy the ride, will we embrace the journey, will we ride the perfect wave, when we will be grateful for what we have and not suffer for more.

Our goals should consist of what we want to feel, what we want to see, and what we want to hear in the environment of which we imagine ourselves in when we reach our goals. It’s our imagination. POWERFUL.

It’s not just about the business we want to start, or the finish line we want to cross, the house we want to buy, that we want to be debt free so we can buy more or to loose ten pounds.

It’s about remaining true to ourselves along the way. It’s about how we feel, see, hear.

Our goals should align with our core values.

How will we feel now that we have that house?

How will we feel when we are 10lbs lighter?

How we will feel when we are debt free?

What will we hear ourselves say, or what others will say to us when we have the house?

When we’ve lost 10lbs?

When we’re debt free?

What will our house look like?

What will we see ourselves as when we are 10lbs lighter? how will others? What will people say

If we quiet the choices we have by being present in every moment and thankful for what we have we’’ll find we are experiencing a much more fulfilling and enriching life and authentic life. We’ll start feeling how we want to and our enviroment will become what we want without even noticing.

We must quite them at the same pace as our breath goes in and out.

That is how often the conscious and subconscious mind come into play with each other.

Every moment you breath in and breath out.

So keep you’re breath calm or it’ll be a full blown boxing match between the minds and people might get hurt.

If we do this, not only will we become more aware of ourselves, but inherently we’ll become much more aware of our surroundings, of our environment and more aware of each other. As humans we inherently make sure everything around us is safe and where we feel content, nurtured, authentic, where there is enough food, water, and a sense of community, a sense of family, where our basic human needs are being met, where we’ll most likely thrive and reach our full potential. Where we’ll plant our garden.

It’s how we’ve thus far survived as a species.

We will take better care.

We will pay more attention to all the tiny details.

We will take care of the earth in which we occupy.

We will nurture ourselves.

we will nurture others and the relationships in our lives

We will come together as a community.

We will help each other which will in turn help us individually and will ultimately help all of humanity.

Much like an elephant can step on a twig and not break it, or gently step over a tiny birds nest on it’s path to water, so too shall we be gentle with the planet and humanity.

When people are asked what they wish for humanity or for the world?

The majority say peace.

When we all step into the present moment, the world will be a much more peaceful place.

Live Light. Live with no regrets. Live in peace.

Going through old photos and came across this. I took this in Cape Town on the 2nd of Jan 2012. It was an Art Installation that I had been eyeing along the waterfront a couple of times as I walked by it. I stopped at a couple of the statues along the way, but not long enough to read and catch that there was a story. Shame. However I remember being extra drawn to this one from afar and spent some time there and read the message underneath and it struck me, but looking at it now just over a year later and it’s struck me even harder. Go to www.walkingtheroad.comThere is a a very profound and beautiful message, and the art installations brilliantly tell it. Bravo to the artist.

Walking the Road 

http://www.walkingtheroad.com

Sibling riverly – Our conscious and subconscious mind

When we refer to our conscious and subconscious minds, do we understand the relationship between the two and why it’s so important?

Our subconscious holds 95%-97% of our minds processing power,  so where does that leave our conscious? in the remaining 3%-5%. Our conscious mind begins developing at the age of 3 and isn’t fully developed until 25 – 30. So what is formed in our subconscious is responsible for 95%-97% of our response to things, or how we perceive them to be, our sixth sense if you will which are our emotions. Our emotions are our feelings, how we see things, and how we hear things, what we let in, our belief systems. Our conscious mind, remember the only 3-5%, that’s the part that is present and knows what it wants in that moment, knows how it wants to feel, knows what it would like to hear, again remember, its taken 25-30 years to form, so our belief systems are formed after critical events in your life.

Here are two examples of the relationship between our conscious and subconscious mind.

#1

Imagine if you will, that our life is like a garden and all the things in our conscious mind are the seeds of all the different types of plants or flowers we would like to plant in our garden.

Everything in our subconscious mind is all the years of rain, wind, sun, and drought, even the animals that grazed there, that went into the soil or ground in which we plant those seeds. Whether it was a fertile environment or a hostile one determines how those seeds thrive or if they reach their full potential of maybe a healthy tall tree, or a fully bloomed rose-bush, or a perfectly ripe avocado, whatever each seed was meant to be. The history or condition of the soil is the determining factor of what seeds will grow there. It’s the most important thing.

Our conscience minds determine what seeds will be planted or say, our goals. How we want to feel, what we see our environment looking like, what we would like to hear. It’s the things we have control of, we get to decide how our garden grows.

Maybe what you want is sunny and hot and you feel comfortable and accepted and you’re surrounded by like-minded people, and you hear laughter and positivity and your relationships and your life are simple and enjoyable and you love who you are, then those are the seeds you should plant but you need the right soil to do it in and you need to know how to cultivate it.

To plant those seeds so they reach their full potential and thrive in their environment, we have to actually re-cultivate the land a bit by unleashing or unlocking those belief systems and fertilizing them. We need to access our subconscious mind and ask it what we want and see if there were any objections, see where it is inconsistent with our conscious mind or how we want to feel, what we want to hear and what we want to see. We should acknowledge them and then be grateful for them, all of them the wind, the rain, the sun and the drought and even the animals that grazed the land, all made it what it is today and it’s here for us to plant some seeds in. Once we’re grateful for it, we can upgrade it, or fertilize the soil so it’s a place where our seeds will grow, or say, our goals are met.

#2

Imagine if you will, that our life is like a Camera and all the things in our conscience mind is the body of the camera. Everything in our subconscious mind is the lens. If our camera is on auto focus we have little control on what the lens focuses on. It goes to the closest thing to it. Our conscious mind is the body, it’s where the shutter is that lets in or out, the right amount of light to form the image we truly want capture.

Our conscious mind determines or decides what it will focus on, how we want to feel, what we see, what we would like to hear.

Maybe you would like to capture the image of a beautiful piece of architecture where you feel successful and financially secure and where you hear a lot of conversations and opinions from a lot of people and feel intrigued, challenged and purposeful.

Our conscious is the camera on manual focus, controlled by the body of the camera, which is controlled by us, where we pick and choose what we will focus on and what we won’t, setting the f-stop and aperture to determine how much the shutter opens and how much light gets in.

So the lens is the most important part of the camera, it needs to focus on our  conscious mind and unlock, or unleash the shutter to get the best exposure, the best image.

Not many people know how to take a picture with a camera set to manual. I suggest everyone learn the basic of this, it’s so applicable.

Again when we access our subconscious mind and ask it what we want to see and see if there are any objections , then we will see where it is inconsistent with our conscious mind or how we want to feel, what we want to hear and what we want to see, basically what we want to focus on, or the image we want to capture or the garden we want to grow. When we take the time to set the f-stop and the aperture and the exposure just right for us to get the exact image we would like to capture. When we take the time to give the soil just enough sun and rain and tending to so that our garden can bloom. When we give ourselves the time. When we give ourselves.

We can reach our goals better when we understand the relationship between our conscious and our subconscious mind and how we need the two to be aligned.

Even Freud and Jung agreed on this.

Date yourself

The time will come

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here, Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who know you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life

-Derek Walcott

Let it go

Some have questioned whether or not there is such thing as non-fiction. Because one persons truth is different from another depending on how we experienced it. We are actually all more similar than we are different.  And way more similar than we think. And though we experience everything differently, or our perception of how we experience things is different, our emotions are fundamentally the same, our basic human needs are the same. If we really really knew this for sure, if the world believed this, would we still treat each other poorly? Would we still judge people? Or would we power on to make a change in our repeated bad habits and start doing things differently? Would we start believing in ourselves?

The most successful people I know, the ones who I consider successful, it’s different for everyone, when I ask them how they got there they will tell me that at some point, about when they’re success began to happen in little bits at a time, when they were doing something they were passionate about, they had to convince someone to believe in them. When asked who? They all say “me”. They had the people who believed in them all along. They go on to say they didn’t realize this then, it’s only when they looked back that they realized it. It was only then that they started to reach or feel their success and feel happy.

One of the first steps to getting to know oneself on a deeper level, and gain self-awareness or dare I say “enlightenment” is to understand where we came from and how we got to where we are now. And from that, we can better move ahead and live in every single moment onward. That’s remembering through the good and the bad. Remembering it all. Memory by memory, and doing it in a loving and understanding, of yourself, way.

Forgiving others and ourselves through a better understanding of how it impacted us, and why, realizing what we learnt, then we will be set free. We will let go, and stop letting our past dictate our future. Then we will learn that the ones we are forgiving, we are able to because we understand them now, they came from a whole set of their own memories. We all act out of all that we know, we need to understand that about ourselves and others, to stop repeating the same mistakes, and then repeating them again. Hanging onto anger, resentment and hurt harbors illness and contributes to depression, and hurts you and others further, anger, hurt and resentment hold us back.

Forgiveness is the only way to move forward. Then letting that go will set us free.